Learning to Share & Explore

Okay, I refuse to use this space as only a place to rant and rage - SO, although the "title" of this post seems defeatist, I'm simply going to list what I can check off as done for the day....then do a bit more so my next title is a bit less like a whiny 17-year-old title....

1. uh-oh...already having a block...okay - think hard....did laundry
2. posted examples for students at university - that also stopped the flood of emails requesting said examples.
3. entertained four girls (one being my girl) as they "cleaned" leaves...this really means create two huge piles and all   jump into them at once. so, what did i do? i didn't have a heart attack and remind my girl that she must be careful because we can't afford (literally) for her to break and arm or leg (c'mon health care reform!) - instead, i took time out, laughed and took pictures.
4. i provided a good turkey dinner for girl. i don't cook - can't/don't - whatever - but i know how to find the best take out, and thomspon creek turkey is most fantastic.
5. block again....i cleaned the kitchen....again....since it has to be done everyday, i get to count it everyday, right?

***Notice the lack of "real' work tasks listed - the word "graded" didn't appear anywhere....I simply can't list any one thing that is completely done. I seem to be sporadic in my grading lately (go figure) and just realized I can't "check off" any one of my list of many...SO, tonight's list is "grade-free"....because once in awhile, productivity doesn't have to come with a letter grade attached to be of value....right!?!?!***

OH! I forgot - #6...didn't lose my mind when girl-child cut her own hair....again....                 

I really have worked...and worked...and worked...but the piles don't seem to look any less intimidating. The worst part is, I know that this is just par for the course. Teaching four different preps (all English and Communications, but everything from Comp. I to Critical Writing and Literary Analysis) as an adjunct at two different universities/colleges - whatever - is just enough to test my somewhat shaky-as-it-is sanity. Oh yeah - and then there's my girl, who's growing by leaps and bounds and needs her mom, and...what was that other thing....oh! Me! Once in awhile it's nice to just sit and do nothing, but that isn't going to be possible this term, and wow - how fuckin' fun would it be to actually just get to hang out with bodhibound without gut-wrenching panic that I should be working - can't even imagine...now that doesn't seem to be asking much - just gettin' to hang out with a friend, c'mon?!?! Vent, blah, unproductive rant......

BUT, the term is at the halfway point - I will survive - always do - it does have an end point. Also, I'm remembering the reason why I make lists. There's the obvious, that it "reminds" you what you have to do - just the act of writing each task down etches it into memory, and then, obviously, you have a concrete reminder - the list itself. For me, it's not the making of the lists I enjoy, it's the putting the check in the box I make in front of each task that I leave empty until the task is completed. As soon as I get done doing something off of "the list" (whichever list that may be, since I've also learned the effectiveness of using multiple lists categorized by location/task - like "at work" list, "at home" list, etc.) I get to put a check in the box - and doing that act - putting a check in the box, that is what it's all about.

Now, I've found that very rarely do I actually do everything on any given list, which is problematic because then I don't think I've done anything, or at least, not enough. So, I'm going to try to list at least five things I've accomplished each day...well, at least once a week. Here we go, today I....

1. Took auntie lunch
2. Graded student self evaluations
3. Cleaned the kitchen (yes, this counts...)
4. Answered all email from one job
5. Made my daughter laugh

Okay, now I feel better....

I love that phrase - "and yet..." - it (sadly?) fits so very nicely at the end of most of the statements I make. So, back to the blog - what a nice "space" this is - and yet....I realized the last time I posted was over a year ago...so, to make the "and yet[s]" begin to cease from chanting in my brain, I'm going to start doing/appreciating/acting - whatever it is that will not allow me to say, "and yet..." as my way out.

Actually, "and yet..." isn't my own -I'm so stealing it from Paul Auster. I just finished reading his book, The Brooklyn Follies, after reading The Book of Illusions in grad. school with one of my very favorite profs. of all time - which, in a somewhat irrelevant tangent, is one of my favorite surprises of grad. school - this is a man I bitched and moaned and complained about for 10 out of 14 weeks, then - POW - I "figured out" what he was doing....he was forcing me to think - and he's one I won't forget...but I digress...."and yet..." - not even mine.

So, no more "excuses" (like the ever present grading, the ever growing and rebellious girl-child, not the hating of putting on panty hoses) - time to say.."and then....".....

So, we passed - yes. After much ado, which is a loooong story I just can't bring myself to rehash at the moment, but needless to say, the deadline for summer graduation is this Friday and today...yes, today, I finally received confirmation that I now have my MA degree - looonnnggg sigh.
Interesting, the more I've talked to friends who have completed their graduate work the more I'm finding that they all speak of this "outburst" (for lack of a better word) of productivity that takes place once the work is completed. Bodhibound's burst is fantastic (and, of course, her story to tell, so that's all I'll say there - EXCEPT - her creativity and unique way of putting into words her vision is astounding) another friend wrote three children's books, and on and on and on....I kept (keep?) waiting for my outburst. BUT, I've come to realize my "outburst" is of a completely different nature - it's the ability (the strength/time?) to finalize my divorce. This has been dragging on for three years (actually, three years to the day, tomorrow) and it's draining every last bit of energy I have left. It's no surprise that it's been going on for three years - hmmm, mirrors the number of years it's taken me to finish this damn degree....and work, and parent and commute, and still clean, shop and try to find time to once in awhile clean myself in time to miraculously end up at the right place at the assigned time. Well, I let the ball drop on the personal end - I've stayed static in the abyss of separation and it's motherfucking ridiculous! It all is beginning to hit the proverbial fan, mainly because I'm finally pushing the issue. What was my original point? Oh! That my post-exam "outburst" although not nearly as fun or creative or exciting as others, is healthy and productive and pro-future...add to that, I'm so damn lucky to have my creative friends to get me through. I've always been a believer that we often choose our family - graduate school extended my family - it gave me the strength to follow through and live the life I've imagined....that's pretty fuckin' awesome.
Enough-

Woohoo...oh la la...we passed, we passed, we passed! Yes, all of us passed the MA exam - long, deep breath here. It was a looooonnnngggg week, but it's over, and now life begins...I think.
I put off sooooo (sorry, I seem to like many additional letters for emphasis this evening!) much work prepping to take the exam, I've spent most of my time since trying to play catch up! I think I'm there. I posted final grades (yes, FINAL grades, meaning the end of summer term) for my one job and posted mid-term grades for the new job (required to do so) - add to that, and even more exciting, I think I might just (finally!) know what I'm doing with the new job, so that is certainly reassuring!!!! I just couldn't do it all - who can, really, ever, but really - I was over-extended - for real, and it feels remarkable to have a schedule/list of 'to-dos" that is actually do-able.
Oh, even better, maybe I'll get my life somewhat under control - or just get one for damn sake! I actually got out and had a good time Saturday evening - sadly, didn't get to visit with bodhibound as hoped, but time didn't allow, and we're working on plans for a visit sooooon  - that aside, we had a great time, I think, in a large part, simply being with people, in the 'real world' - wow - nice. Add to that, they are fantastic people who just were so affirming - dare I say it - proud of me - my decisions, who I am - doesn't happen often, so it was needed. - there is life after the exam!!!

So, the exam is officially over - but not so much. When we took the exam one week ago, we were told that we would hear by Thursday or Friday - well, not really. Many of us have been in touch - no one has heard as of yet - arrrgghh. I just so would like to know so that I can move forward in some real way. I won't even put my MA exam study folder(s) away, as I figure that shows too much confidence - ha - also, it would kill me to have to drag them back out. I did manage to put away most of the large, intimidating, still-need-to-finish-reading pile of books, and tore the notes down off of my wall, but the folder remains in the middle of my floor. I've ranted and raged to anyone/everyone who will listen - I've indulged the good nature of my nearest and dearest, so now I'll vent into the abyss - hurry the fuck up! Hmm...pretty sure patience is one of those things I could work on....after I find out if I passed the exam. 

Pre/post moments. How does a text mean what it means? Everything is different, yet the same - things are different because they are the same, no being, no presence, only absence...ENOUGH!!!! This is the experience (ah - but what is experience) of prepping for the MA/Literature exam. After awhile, your mind turns to mushy circles - without an origin - aha! - and there's a perfect deconstruction metaphor for this process.

OK - really trying not to whine...really...after a long, two-year race, this is the final sprint. Hard to fathom that one week from right now it will be done. The feeling of freedom that will take over once this is complete is the light at the end of the tunnel...as long as I don't lose my marbles before now and then.

I've truly loved my graduate studies - many, many, many positives; I've had challenging, stimulating courses and professors, I've had access to a fantastic, stimulating group of people and we've challenged, encouraged and supported each other through the process, also, wow - a truly unexpected, instantaneous, friendship with bohdibound, without whom I would certainly have already been fitted for my straight jacket - overall, who am I to complain...right? I'm actually so tired of complaining about the exam, that I don't think I can anymore. Ultimately, I know I just have to suck it up and do it - I'm not the first, nor will I be the last. It's one exam (granted, a fucking huge one -  still, one exam) - that is supposed to cover all of your graduate work - if you've done well in the program, and you approach the exam as a cumulative "thinking through" your last two years of work, it's not quite as intimidating as, "If you flunk, you don't get the MA and the world will know you are a fraud". 

Damn - I'm just sure this isn't making any sense. I think it comes down to me - I'm ready for a break - it's been a great ride, but I'm ready to get off. Six more days and counting...tick-tock, tick-tock

Okay, so I've been "tagged" (correct jargon usage I hope) by the fabulous bodhibound, and because my brain is mush, thought this might be a great break from prepping and grading and reading....

Without further ado...

Respond to each item giving a one-word answer... and no word can be repeated.

1. Where is your cell phone?  Table
2. Your significant other?  Imagination
3. Your hair?  Dark
4. Your mother?  Superb
5. Your father?  Narcissistic
6. Your favorite time of day? 1:00 a.m.
7. Your dream last night?  Null
8. Your favorite drink?  Coffee
9. Your dream goal? Relaxation
10. The room you’re in?  Hot
11. Your ex?  Mess
12. Your fear?  Death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Undecided
14. What you are not? Well-rested
15. Your Favorite meal? Take-out
16. One of your wish list items? Benefits
17. The last thing you did? Showered
18. Where you grew up?  City
19. What are you wearing PJs
20. Your TV is?  On   
21. Your pets?  Curious
22. Your computer?  Rocks  
23. Your life?  Ridiculous
24. Your mood?  *%&#^#U$!
25. Missing someone?  Absolutely
26. Your car?  Hurt
27. Something you’re not wearing?  Socks
28. Favorite store?  Not-grocery
29. Your summer?  Really?
30. Your favorite colour?  Blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? Today
32. When is the last time you cried?  Yesterday
33. Your health? Unchecked 
34. Your children?  Raison d'etre
35. Your future?  Hopeful
36. Your beliefs? Open
37. Young or old?  Old-young
38. Your image?  Neurotic?
39. Your appearance?  Worried
40. Would you live your life over again knowing what you know?  Ya

So, my first day at teaching at the University went smashingly well - yay! :)
Of course, I had a few advantages. The university is on a bit of a strange schedule, so "summer" courses start the mark of a new academic year. Considering I teach Written & Oral Communication I, all of my students were new; add to that that the class meets at 8:00, and I realized that I was their first experience in a college classroom.

They are soooooo young - they're babies! They are all right of high school, and abuzz with energy and enthusiasm. I'm sure this will subside as the workload increases and the novelty of it all begins to dull, however, for the moment, they're fantastic and I think it's going to be a great group.

Tomorrow will be the test of my organizational capabilities. I have to teach at the university from 8-9 and then at the college from 10-12 and 6-10 - oy vey. The kicker is turning around to be back at it at 8:00 Wednesday morning. However, no time to panic - time to just enjoy the glow of a great first day...

Oh, my. So, reviewing my list for the week it would appear I haven't been that productive, but damn it, sometimes just looking at the "facts" doesn't convey truth. Actually, I've been managing to get quite a bit done - I've made progress prepping for the stinkin' MA exam, I'm hammering out my syllabus for the new course today after many hours with a wonderful colleague who basically handed over her whole course (same course I'm teaching) for my use, am half-way done grading my first set of student papers for my other two classes, and am almost caught up on my laundry!!!! OH! I also had the wonderful experience of being a proud mama.
My girl goes to a local summer camp, and they just presented their "Mock Rock" yesterday. Abby was pretty closed-mouthed about what to expect; all I really knew was that she needed to have a black shirt under a white shirt, and she told me they were going to do a dance routine to "Kung Fu Panda". Okay, so we went shopping for the required attire, and I showed up expecting her to be "dancing panda 10" or something of the sort. Nope! They did the funniest routine to "Kung-Fu Fighting" - ha! - and my little one was THE "Kung-Fu" fighter. I'm sooooo not the best descriptive writer - so you'll have to use your imagination, however, I'll provide a sketch. She came out, the only girl of a group of 6, wearing her black pants and white shirt to the song "Kung-Fu Fighting" - they're all doin' some groovy dance moves, doin' cool hand-shakes with each other, when all of a sudden, Abby takes her white shirt off over her head and, wearing all black, gives a very musical kung-fu kick and disappears. At this point I'm wondering is she'll ever come back - also thinking that's kind of a rip off - she was only out there for three seconds - probably because she's the only girl....THEN....she re-emerges, and as each boy tries to come up to her (all in step to the music) she does another ninja move - now all in black - oh my!!!! The audience roared with laughter and I couldn't have been more proud - proud because she was out there just as confident as she could be - no fear. Perhaps I should take a minute and learn from my daughter - time to go into this exam/new job/life with confidence....